They say that men are from Mars. If I hadn’t spent a total of 19 hours in labor delivering two baby boys who are quickly becoming men, I would believe it. So now I live with three extraterrestrials who are confused and perplexed by my earthly expectations and feminine feelings. What’s a woman to do? Well, I take solace in being the different one in the house- hold. They have their rules, and I have mine. My checkbook and my closet are off limits to any complainers. But most importantly, I keep my girlfriends close, very close. If I need a sympathetic ear, I ain’t gonna get it under my roof. I have accepted that fact and, believe me, it’s a fact.

My men are unusual. They weigh before dinner and after. I weigh once a year—usually at my doctor’s office and only by force. They howl at South Park. Sometimes, they are completely deaf to my voice. Trying to get through to them is like playing tennis – the ball just keeps coming back, again and again, just like before, in exactly the same fashion. Tennis frustrates me. Men frustrate me. As I age I accept it more freely. There’s no changing the male know-it- all psyche, the “I’m in charge” attitude. Just ignore it, girlfriend. I do. Life is easier that way.

I have come to accept there are things my husband is never going to understand about me. I got eyeliner tattooed on my eyelids and beneath my eyes. Sounds crazy, but I have small eyes. He thought I had absolutely lost my mind. I looked like Rocky Balboa for a day or so, but after that it was quite lovely. I am glad that I did not spend hours trying to justify why and what I was doing. It was an unexplainable beauty technique that only a woman could comprehend.

In case you are surrounded by male counterparts, relax, don’t stress, don’t spend hours explaining this and that, just know that there are many female things that will always be foreign to them. I have been contemplating many of the things that males just do not get. It might help you out a little. Here’s the list so far.

Men will never get – the one day sale, expensive shampoo, buttered bread, pajamas on hangers, the $200 purse, the emergency shoes in your car, facials, The Notebook, a chocolate brownie and Diet Coke, Botox, high school photos, soap operas, Thelma & Louise, granny panties, Pampered Chef, heated seats, Midol, cappuccino, eyebrow waxing, fat jeans, Celine Dion, seasonal purses, pedicures, designer dresses, and low-fat cookies.

But the biggest thing that they will never understand is – “not tonight, honey!” I’m just sayin’.

 Shelly Gail Morris